Source: Logical Reality Forum, February 2002.
Somehow I have found myself on this site, reading about other sexual scenes featuring an adult and a child, (or children), and at 56 years of age, I thought it was about time to simply say this is what happened to me … when I was a boy … 10, 11 and 12 years old. I was married to my first wife for 11 years, and it never dawned on me to ever say anything about it to my wife. not that I was ashamed or concerned about those years, about sex with a much older man, it was just something that happened a million years ago, and there’s no need to re-visit what happened. Except this: at least once a month, never less, whether I was married, in the army, whatever, once a month I would have a dream which was always changing, but always involved me as a boy, in the loving act of taking an older man’s penis into my mouth and sucking on it. Usually, I would continue until the penis ejaculated sweet semen into my mouth … or so the dream always went … There were times in my first marriage and I would have a dream like that, and it gave me such an erection that I would wake my wife and use her mouth or her anus to force my ejaculation. Could I ever tell her what the mental instigation came from? Of course not. So those early sexual days remained trapped in the back of my mind, and I simply never mentioned them to anyone.
But now the time has come, because I will contribute this fact to the group. Yes, I did have sex with an adult when I was very young – 10, 11, 12 years old – and I treasure and cherish the memories…
I grew up outside of Chicago, in an Italian family living in an Italian cummunity. This was in the 60s. And my wonderful old Italian mother used to warn me constantly and seriously about “the homosexuals” who might kidnap me and make me do terrible things, and she would literally make the sign of the cross to ward off such an event in her son’s life. Besides, none of her warnings ever registered with me, because it was before my puberty, and I had no real sexual vibes in my life yet. But at a late 9, early 10, I discovered my penis, as did a male cousin my age, and we spent hours and hours hiding in the house playing with each other, making each other cum…
At that age, I was in love with baseball, and dreamed of playing for the Cubs. Somebody told my father that a man who lived in our neighborhood used to play semi-pro baseball, and even coached it. He was about 50 at that point in his life, an Italian man who had lost his wife in a car accident a few years before, so everyone automatically accepted him, as they might not have accepted someone else, a man living alone, that wasn’t a good sign. But they knew him, went to school with him years ago. So soon we were spending every afternoon after school in my long driveway that ran the length of the house, with this man teaching me how to be a pitcher. In fact in only 3 months, he had taught me how to throw a decent fastball that was accurate for a kid my age, 10 … and in about 6 months he had actually taught me how to throw a curveball. And in only about 8 months, he taught me how to get on my knees in front of him in his house, and let him use my young boy mouth for the pleasure I would bring to his penis. And the honest to god’s truth is that I loved every minute of it then, and I still jerk off thinking about what he made me do with him when I was so young. The first time it ever happened, I was in his house looking at some old baseball magazines he had in his collection, when all of a sudden he showed me magazines that showed pictures of men’s cocks, and most of them were very large and hard, and while I looked at the pictures and was getting totally aroused, he simply stood in front of my face, unzipped his pants, pulled them down a little, and he fed his absolutely beautiful cock into my mouth inch by inch until he was so hard he was choking me… His penis was uncircumsized, the first one I had ever seen (my father and uncles were all cut, from what little I remember about them, but I know I did sometimes see older guys cocks, and my cousin and I would laugh about it and jerk each other off describing whay they looked like…) He would kind of pose with his cock in front of my mouth, and he would work his foreskin up and down over the head of his cock, which always looked redder than the rest of his cock, and it was always wet in there, a clear liquid used to drip from his foreskin as he aroused himself with my young boy-mouth … every time the head was exposed, he asked me to kiss it, or lick it, and always, finally, he wanted me to suck on it for him, and I always, always did … this man was so gentle, so loving, so generous with his sexuality … he would rub his penis all over my face, telling me how beautiful it was for me to let him do that, then he would ask for my tougue to be out, and he would wipe his hardon all over my eyes and nose and cheeks and mouth…, getting it sopping wet from a kid’s saliva, and then he would use his hand and my hand and masturbate until he ejaculated for me, usually directly into my mouth… and I loved it. I loved the act. And I dream of it still … he never ever used me anally, except a few times he used his fingers in me back there … but I loved that too, I remember…
And now I am 56. Two marriages, two divorces. And now I find myself looking at young boys, about the age I was when I enjoyed those sessions with Frank, and I imagine what their little dicks look like, so pink and so stiff and so indescribably delicious. I want to have one in my mouth. I know I never will. I am not stupid about the law. But I am a 56-year-old man who wishes he could suck on a young boy’s penis and make it produce a warm flow of young sperm for my mouth … I want to receive his penis and his discharge directly into my soul and teach him how beautiful we all are, old and young, and how much pleasure we can bring to each other if there were no sexual police around telling us how we could cum and how we could not cum.
I was not hurt in any way by it. I only wish there had been more times when he fooled around with me … does anybody out there have any similar experience, man, woman, girl, boy?
This post was answered by another person on the Forum:
Your essay is excellent. As a post therapy registered offender I find the following quote very disturbing.
“and I still jerk off thinking about what he made me do with him”
It seems to me that the whole thing was his idea, Frank’s I mean. The law says you where not mature enough to make appropriate decisions about sex. Not to mention the grooming of you he did by showing you pornography, also illegal in many states. According to the law, you have been a victim. Frank, long dead now, was a sex offender.
But you seem to be able to dismiss the acts and relate your feelings. Very charged with sexual energy. I believe you probably do not think of yourself as a victim. You do not feel a victim because times are different. If those things “he made me do” with him were done to a child today the feelings would be different.
I said the words “done to” in the prevoious sentence because I am conditioned to think like a post treatment offender. Many years of group therapy has taught me to listen, (or read) very carefully to what people say.
In short Pluto, if he truly made you do it, he did not do it “with” you he did it to you.
I truly beleive that the feelings you had for this older man were as genuine as they get, for a boy that age. If it was true love, wonderful. Maybe your mom warned you about the homos because she saw something in you, and knew that you may feel you felt it, too. Do you remember being attracted to boys or just older men?
I could go on for hours. The world would be a better place if we could take love out of our heads and leave it to the heart where it belongs.
Pluto responds:
Dear Friend whose name I do not know…
Thank you for your thoughtful response to my earlier post. I appreciate that you took the time to offer your help if I needed it. Very kind. I do understand the subtleties you mentioned … “sex TO me …” as opposed to “sex WITH me” … my memory is filled with visits that included either, sometimes both … let me set the stage a little … by the time I started having sex with Frank, I was already masturbating with my cousin (male) and 2 other boys our age … we loved it … we loved doing it … we loved watching it … but all of us were in Catholic school, and we were simultaneously being taught that we would die and burn in hell if we ever even touched ourselves, much less another boy … and GOD FORBID – A GROWN MAN!!! … imagine the conflict in children so young … Frank taught me that the feelings I was feeling, this explosion of sexual energy, was a real thing, a human thing, a male thing, an important thing, a gift from God … and THAT God made a lot more sense to me – still does – than the so-called God sending me to hell for perfectly human behavior like touching my genitals … Frank opened up my sexual world for me … he showed me it was okay to have an erection, and it was okay to play sexually with another human being when the mutual goal was mutual ejaculation. I have, in fact, been divorced twice, but in each case, since we are all still friends by now, both those ladies reveal a fondness and more for the way our sex life brought such pleasure to them, as well as to me … I have Frank to thank for that … he was the one who told me that females needed more stimulation than males to reach orgasm (remember, this was a long time ago, way before any women’s movement changed the culture’s thinking…) back then, good girls HAD to be sweet-talked and romanced and charmed into joining you in sex … the culture told them that … so the advice on how to be an UNselfish lover – given to me by a man in a homosexual encounter – worked for me the rest of my life in all my heterosexual partners … Frank not only had me suck on him until he ejaculated, he would spend hours playing and sucking on MY genitals so he could enjoy MY warm ejaculate … so yes, he was doing something TO me, and also yes, he was doing something WITH me … Once again, I do thank you for your comments … in examining the issues you raised, I went even deeper into my feelings for the answers, and I appreciate your energy that propelled me to those new interior spaces … YOUR FRIEND < ViewFromPluto